It’s hard always being kind to people.

2026 Day 178. #PersonalDays.

As children we are taught to be nicer and more accommodating towards our fellow humans. We tend to grow up with the idea that causing discomfort to someone else feels discomforting to oneself. So we try to find compromises.

Alternatively we find that being nice to people (ex: leaving your seat for someone who needs it more) can offer little mental rewards. It’s your mind giving itself a pat on the back.

Now obviously you will not give up your seat to just about anyone.

Someone who you’d give up your seat for could

  • Look visibly older/tired
  • Be pregnant
  • Be carrying a lot of things
  • Be travelling with an infant

There might be many more situations where you’d feel the need to give your seat up. Although this isn’t entirely independent of your then predicament either.

Imagine you’re coming home

  • After a long bender and you can barely function
  • After a long day of physical labour
  • After working overtime

You still might think that there are people who need to sit down more than you do, but you’re not willing to give yours up for them.

The hierarchy still places the person in need above you but your reference point has changed. Earlier you were at the bottom ring, you sat down simply because there was an empty seat available. Now you need to sit down more than the average person on the same transport.

This change of reference means you would ideally give your seat up, but in the current condition you’re not likely to be the first to offer your seat.

To not look like a bad member of society you might try to pretend that you’re sleeping, too hurt, or visually convey to people that you are not the most suitable candidate to give up your seat.

Photo by ‪Salah Darwish on Unsplash

Someone else now has to be kind enough to give up their seat so

1. The more needy person could have a seat.

2. You could retain yours.

When they do give up their seat, does their brain give them a lesser, the same, or a louder applause for giving their seat up?

  • It could be lesser because they knew someone else could given up their seat but now because they “had” to it’s not that nice of a sentiment.
  • It could be the same because they have their seat up for a person, other circumstances having no consequence.
  • It could be louder because they recognised your predicament, gave up their seat, and saved you from having to give yours up.

How do you think you’re feeling?

  • Do you feel bad for not giving up your seat?
  • Do you feel relieved that someone else took charge?

I believe humans are nice and want to do nice things for others. This is limited by the amount of effort that they’d have to put in to help someone out. It is however overcome by how close they feel towards the person and how highly they regard the relationship.

Leaving the door open for the next person is low effort, but when you’re in a hurry every second counts. Suddenly the decision to open the door and wait for someone to pass can become expensive if you miss your bus.

Often you’ll find parents putting in huge amounts of effort to get their kids the best opportunities, or in getting them out of the worst ones. It is highly unlikely they’d put the same effort for a strangers kid unless they’re being paid for it. This isn’t because they aren’t nice and capable suddenly, it’s because the rewards do not justify the effort.

Being nice is a complex game of (possible) rewards or losses and efforts (actual or assumed).

I would like to believe that people who aren’t nice, just have a low threshold for the amount of effort that they are willing to put up to help someone else out. Or that they have very little expectation of a reward, whether internal or external.

In case of emergencies people will prioritise themselves or their families because that is what the System 1 behaviour will default to.

Selfishness is not the opposite of niceness, it’s simply the scale of rewards and effort being unbalanced.

There might be internal biases in the scale where the person isn’t happy with a mental tap on the back but needs a hallmark movie style applause (unrealistic and thus comes off as a selfish/not a nice person).

Children should be helped to believe that while external validation is great, internal validation is also important for the overall appeal of oneself. The more likely you are to happy with your mental applause, the more likely you are to be nice.

Of course nice an naïveté mustn’t be mixed, or you will be taken advantage of, but that’s an idea for another time.